The angst within : The challenges without

I recently find myself struggling with depression – sort of my own personal Jihad or Kampf if I may be as bold to borrow some often misunderstood words. I'm not prone to depression but this is definitely taking a toll. A good friend here, Kj, points out that I am falling in line with the typical emotional roller coaster of deployment in Iraq. She explained that somewhere between weeks 5 and 6 you get a real sinking feeling once you realize the brevity of the situation and understand that you are stuck here. She nailed it on the head. But that’s just the beginning of the story.

She went on to point out that I have a different set of motivating factors from a lot of "military" types and fit in like a square peg in a round hole. I'll explain… As I see it there are two very clear types of career minded people; those who want to execute a project, learn from practical mistakes and then rise in an organization based on merits of a job done well. Then there are those who want to work for the right people, learn from the mistakes of others and rise based on the strength of their aptitude for networking. To be clear, I'm not making a judgment call either way both have their place but my preference is to execute and let my work speak for itself. This attitude works well for entrepreneurs and personnel in smaller profit hungry organizations driven to succeed. It doesn’t work as well in large bureaucratic non-profit organizations – i.e. the military. Things here move slow. As I tell new friends I provide more deliverables and experience more change in 4 hours of civilian work than I do in two weeks worth of my service time. Moreover it’s a bit more socialist in nature. For instance, it's considered great fortune if you land a secretarial / aid type job working the organizational tasks of someone in a place of high visibility. This is great if you're making a career here, the networking opportunities are endless. It's miserable if you have a ton of ideas and capabilities to contribute and don’t necessarily care who you know because this is a part time job and your eager to jump into the fight. I find myself in just this position.

I volunteered to make a difference – and possibly bring a needed skill set to the theater. I wanted to contribute to a bigger cause, that with a bit of sweat and luck may help bring us all home. Now that I'm here I think it may have been a mistake. I believe my skills are wasted, as this large bureaucracy doesn’t quite know how to effectively engage my talents.

In an attempt to cheer me up Kj complimented me, making really flattering comments about the subtle changes she sees around here; some of which she attributes to me and my high energy... catalyst that I am. I responded to her nice note saying most of my close friends (Jason) wouldn’t put it so nicely. They're more apt to tell you, "He's just being the only thing he can be – a true pain in the ass."

At the end of our discussion I understand something even more significant. I realize I am not here for the big picture – Much like Kj's concern for me… I am here to support my battle buddies.