“Alright – I’ll see you back home…”

I recently received a chain email from a friend that caught me by surprise. I typically disregard most junk/joke emails, sending them straight away to the delete bin, but as I read the list of bullets on this particular message, I realize they are not only quite humorous but (for better or worse) amazingly relevant. As a matter of fact the quote in the subject line is not in reference to a future meeting in the States… Oh no… Rather it’s something my roommate and I tend to say these days in endearing reference to a certain 16X8 metal container typically used for field construction offices. We now prefer to call it… well… “Home.” All the same I decided to share… Enjoy.

"You know you've been In Iraq Too Long If..."

Generally:
• You call your tent (trailer/connex if you're lucky) "Home".
• You start to think "it's not so bad here".
• You say "this place sort of grows on you".
• You say, "It feels cooler today" and find out that the temperature is 110.
• You get excited at the idea of "ICE".
• Apaches excite you much more than Blackhawk's or Kiowa's.

Armaments:
• You don't jump when a door slams or someone drops something.
• You aren't alarmed when every second person you see has a gun or two or three.
• You kick the M-16 on the floor aside without a second thought when you sit down in the Dining Facility.
• A Glock 9MM on a lady's hip is considered sexy.
• Mortars and rockets are "Okay" compared to vehicle bombs.
• You can measure distances based on explosion sounds.
• When a "Red Alert" sounds and you're leaving a DFAC, you would rather go back in and have more coffee instead of seeking shelter in a bunker.
• You know the difference in sound between "Incoming" and "Outgoing".

Entertainment:
• You get excited at the prospect of seeing the latest gun camera videos.
• $5.00 for a DVD is a little pricey….especially if there is only one movie.
• You are disappointed if you can't find a new movie a day after it is released in theatres stateside.
• Sitting around with your coworkers talking about different ways to be killed is considered "Water Cooler Talk".

Convoys:
• You are soothed by the sounds of helicopters flying six feet over your trailer.
• Bullet holes in the cab of your vehicle are no longer alarming.
• Vehicle selections consist of "Up Armored or Not" not Volvo or Mercedes Benz.
• Convoys consist of as many extra Hummers and large caliber weapons as the Convoy Commander can find.
• Driving on the sidewalk is normal.
• Hit-and-Run fender benders are treated as mere warnings.
• You get upset that you don't get "C-130" Frequent Flyer Miles.
• Your carry-on luggage includes a flack jacket and helmet.
• Driving through the traffic circle of death has lost its thrill.

Hygiene:
• You enjoy waiting 45 minutes for the toilets to refill.
• Its ok to skip brushing your teeth because the tent/trailer is out of bottled water.
• It's ok to brush your teeth with the brown water that comes out of the faucets.
• Flies don't even hang around anymore.
• You have your own roll of toilet paper stashed in your tent/truck/ pack.
• A shower with water that is either too cold or too hot and contains no mosquitoes is a priceless unattainable luxury.

Surroundings:
• "Texas Barriers" are something other than a device to keep Texans Out.
• "Jersey Barriers" are something other than fences to keep Holsteins away from Jerseys.
• You get excited with the presence of clouds in the sky.
• The security guards are Peruvian, Georgian, Ghurka, South African, etc, etc, etc.

Dining:
• You look forward to Mohammad's Mango ice cream as the treat for the day.
• Powdered eggs taste don’t taste too bad.
• You consider plastic ware the Palace China.
• You can distinguish inherent qualities of various plastic utensils.
• The quality of the plastic utensils becomes a hot dinner topic.
• The quality of the plastic utensils becomes a cold dinner topic.
• The quality of the plastic utensils becomes a leisurely anytime topic.
• Lettuce for your salad is a luxury.
• You have become to believe that ham should be grey in color.
• No matter what animal you are eating, it will be flavored with curry.
• Going to another mess hall is an adventure.
• Putting Thousand Island dressing on you hamburger bun instead of mayo/mustard/catsup is normal.
• You automatically pick up two plastic forks whenever beef is on the menu.
• A McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal is a gourmet delicacy
• You accept the fact that fajitas do not require tortillas.
• Sliced hot dogs on a pizza served in a KBR DFAC is good eats.
• If you can not decide if you are going to leave a brownie and some milk during a mortar attack.

Fashion:
• You think dessert combat boots look great with shorts.
• Sand between your thong sandals actually feels good.
• Buzz cuts begin to look stylish (even on girls).
• You can recognize 12 different camouflage patterns.
• You've given up on shoe polish.
• T-shirts at the PX are: M, L, XL, and XXL & KBR.

Living Conditions:
• You get a big smile when you see your pressed clothes at the KBR laundry.
• You get a bigger smile knowing they didn't lose your laundry.
• You get the biggest smile when you get back someone else's laundry and now you have more underwear than before.
• You think the bullet holes in the roof of your trailer is just another form of ventilation.
• You get upset because the post office won't ship your looted artifacts.
• You haven't had water from anything other than a bottle for months on end.
• You consider broken sandbags just a new beach expansion.
• The idea of a double wide trailer is only for the very rich and powerful.
• Forgetting your military ID makes you feel naked…but pants are optional.
• "Only one rocket has hit camp" is excellent news.
• Cardboard boxes have become substantial pieces of furniture.

Communications:
• Stars & Stripes seem to be a liberal newspaper.
• It feels normal to have to run outside to make a cell phone call.
• You call your coworkers as soon as new T-Shirt patterns arrive at the PX.
• "Can you hear me" takes up 50% of your cellular telephone conversations.
• Your conversations are sprinkled with "Roger that" and "Good copy".