OK so it’s over a week now… my new attitude (“Operation: Happy-dog” as Capt KJ coined it) is in full effect. Amazingly the world looks a lot different. At the beginning it was a bit challenging to stay detached esp. with an 800lb gorilla leader type running around trying his best to make everyone’s life miserable (including me) simply because he is miserable. But a few well placed thorns and a couple of Hollywood-ism in his side and he pretty much leaves me be. I spose you could say I am the insurgency to his “Operation: Miserable-Dog.” He storms around here spreading anger and displeasure and I follow up with positive and encouraging words. So who do you think is winning the hearts and minds around here? Now he tries to avoid me and I just smile and say “How’s Morale sir?” He hates my smile and usually just grumbles a response. I’m ornery enough to be pleased by this and tend to smile even bigger and counter with “Outstanding - And the family Sir?” “Damn Navy types!” “Oh no sir… Respectfully sir… Damn Texan type is more appropriate sir.” “Breedlove!?!” He believes I am always conspiring and that I am a subversive element. At first I protested… From the beginning I really tried hard to help him out. But some folks just don’t want the help. I now realize if being his antagonist means I am subversive then call me Mr. Conspirator.
Regardless of his antics I manage to maintain my crisp new attitude. It makes it easy to smile too. I’m even finding a way to get a solid 5 to 6 hours of sleep. Basically I am starting to feel my old CRM self again. Hell for that matter the whole world has turned upside down. Something more amazing has happened. A couple of days after changing my attitude I was ordered to my new job. As I mentioned before, the transition from one job and location to the other was not smooth but the work is completely engrossing. I’m on a great team that advises and write speeches for the big-guys. There is a down side as in no more days off but for the first time here I’m doing something that’s both challenging and fulfilling. That’s worth it. It’s hard to describe the gratification you get when something you’ve written or advised shows up on AP press or CNN or whatever news agency happens to capture the story. I think I may be able to make a difference here...
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
And for my next performance…
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Part 2 – Transformation: “I don’t want to grow up… I’m still a Toys R Us Kid!”
(March 11) Second observation: I notice some folks around here beginning to show real outwardly physical signs of deterioration. It manifests itself in several ways; unhealthy weight loss… unhealthy weight gain… odd uncontrolled twitching… possible self-mutilation… and more than a few cases of premature graying and wrinkling. In the worst cases there are stories of complete mental collapse with a “pink-slip” back to the states. It’s like some crazy academic psychology experiment. Rats in a cage. Luckily a certain weight challenged and a self-mutilator roll-out for home in a matter of days. However some of those aging and twitching came into theater around the same time I did and also have one year tours. (Keep in mind I’ve only been here a few months).
During lunch I discuss the topic of folks around here “aging” in some way or other. I don’t mean the obvious “we’re all gonna die some day” sort of aging… I mean advanced physical signs of aging. The sort you see when the President enters office young and sharp and leaves grey and worn. I tell them my theory about stress and sleep deprivation and they all instantly relate to the idea. Out of the blue my mother calls me. It was very early in the morning for her. She said she couldn’t sleep (join the club) and decided that for some reason I needed to talk to her. After my “existential moment” and these crazy observations she was right I did need to chat. How did she know? (I classify this odd coincidence as a matter of the universal mind and couch it for a later entry.) Anyway we had a long conversation where I explained my recent revelations and my intent to smile and be happy. I then explained my theory of advanced aging. She says and I quote: “I’m sorry to tell you this but… the last picture I you sent… you’re looking old and worn-down…”
Mouth open… wind blows… crickets chirp… birds sing… Silence! (Dull mind – does not compute) Wait - I wasn’t referring to myself on this advanced aging thing I was talking about all the other…
(Dull mind still processing – remove cobwebs) “OH HELL!” … realization… “DAMN! Me too?!?”
Wait… was that a twitch?
This second observation cuts me like a knife across the palm (Yes again childhood - it’s a dangerous game we all play at least once in our life) She went on to explain that I need a mechanism to mentally escape from the 24/7 stresses. “You must find a mental break… You may want to take some time to meditate. Oh…and you have to find a way to get more sleep.” Ha easier said then done… And what’s all this about meditating. Cut to: image of me in a field wearing battle rattle - legs crossed - eyes closed - palms up - weapon across my lap - chanting. (Dull mind – does not compute) “Apocalypse Later – a revisited comedy of horrors”
I make my second slightly more complicated resolution for the rest of my tour: I decree that I will not grow old before my time. I will emotionally detach - take the high road and maintain a positive attitude regardless of the circumstance surrounding me… I will set the conditions for successful sleep and (Ugh – crazy hippy alter-ego) meditate as necessary – sans battle rattle (but I'm keeping the gun!). And most importantly I will try to help others detach even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. Just a moment of escape might lower the stress levels for everyone around here and make all the difference in the world.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Playing Catch-up to convey a story is a pain in the...
In an effort to update the blog up with the insanity that is my life while trying to maintain some semblance of order for story telling purposes I am posting dated material out of sequence. (See the two posts below) I will post Part two tomorrow.
Trust me if it confuses you, then you are getting a subtle taste of what my life has become. Time is fluid and compressed. The Present is already a memory and the future… well its promised to no one! Enjoy the reading then get out and enjoy the world! :-p
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Part 1: Corroding Soul – Corrupting Mind – Crumbling Body (A two part series)
(March 09) I suppose you can say my experience here to date has been, for lack of a better word, challenging. As a few entries have pointed out, being tossed from one screwy situation to the next is fairly tough to swallow and has done wonders for my morale. Just when I think I can’t fall any farther, I am tossed into a deeper hole. A short time later I am uprooted again and tossed into an even deeper darker hole that happens to have spikes and then - well there you go… My experience to date (And that was just the second day.) Trying to explain the details of where I work is long, drawn out, and potentially very depressing so I won’t bother. But I will let you in on a couple of observations that hit me like a rock in the head (and yes I do know what that feels like from childhood experiences)
First observation: A couple of emails from home took me by surprise - one in particular woke me up to the fact I am may not be the person here that I am at home. Start self-analysis. Can this be true? Have I changed? Post-evaluation and the Magic Eight Ball both point to yes. The constant 24x7 strain of living breathing sleeping our work makes us all a bit neurotic. We forget ourselves and our ability to practice simple acts of kindness and/or forgiveness. The facility to be empathetic and reasoning human beings is muted. We substitute rational thought and stable emotion with irrational action and unhinged anger. As a matter of fact, the two words I hear repeated most from my co-workers is rage or anger. All the same I personally believe it can all be attributed to stress and sleep deprivation. This does three things – It corrodes the soul, dulls the mind, and prematurely ages the body. Just because we are not in front line combatant roles doesn’t mean this tour is any less lethal. Arguably the mental thrashings are just as potentially damaging and long lasting as any physical wounds suffered in the field. Hmmm… Well we’re in a war zone aren’t we!?! I suppose on some level or other we oughta to feel that way right?
(Warning: Here comes my alter-ego hippy existentialist)
Regardless of any argument of how we’re “supposed” to feel in this situation, identifying my persistent rage and anger juxtaposed with constantly feeling tired and depressed is a cathartic moment and my first real step toward “defensive healing.” I have a long assignment here in theater and I need get past this to keep myself sane. Rereading that email chain is the first moment were I truly remember I am responsible for my emotions…I own it. I decided some time ago that I was determined to be happy and successful in all my endeavourers so I can and will turn this around no matter how others want me to feel or think I should feel. “There is no path to happiness – happiness is the way!”
From this point forward I make a simple resolution for the rest of my tour: I decree that I will SMILE everyday – it’s infectious and makes others wonder what I’m up to… Perhaps it will even effect the environment here… Just a small gift of happiness might make all the difference to others having their own bad day. Mr BUA I am taking on your Happy Dance!
(To be continued)